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Contents © 1999
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.

Since Most Guys Do It

by Broderick Barker

While visiting a guy I know, I happened upon a magazine entitled Submissive Girls. The photo on the back cover showed a woman, bound and gagged, her naked breasts cinched by straps. I was not titillated. Though this was merely the extreme form of the objectification that occurs whenever a man lusts after a woman -- whenever he makes her into something less than a person in his mind -- it takes a soul more hardened than mine to enjoy that extreme.

Instead, I was dipped in misery, because I knew I had to say something. Silence would have been a serious sin of omission. But how? How to tell another man that he is sinning, especially in matters sexual? How to espouse chastity without seeming judgmental, prudish, holier-than-thou?

Pop psychology has made nothing what it purports to be. Condemnation of sin indicates hypocrisy. Purity hints at repression. And evangelization is the work of busybodies whose own lives are either too dull or too messy for them to deal with. Willing the good of another person, seeking to obey God's will, is no longer within the realm of possible motives.

I am no hypocrite in this matter-- I can condemn the sin and admit my own guilt in the same breath, because I am a fallen man of imperfect will but less imperfect intellect -- at least when it comes to lust. Though I try to be pure, I don't think I'm repressed -- I thoroughly enjoy sex with my wife. And I am not a busybody -- I wasn't looking for porn. I would have liked nothing better than to keep silent and let the matter pass. In this, I lacked true charity, but I still knew my duty before God. To let a man persist in sin is to let fester a wound in the body of Christ. I may not be called to preach to strangers, but this was a man I knew -- this was right in front of me.

I wanted to keep silent because I knew the guy didn't think lust was a big deal, and I felt foolish making an issue of it. Lust has become recreational, an accepted part of manhood, rather than a temptation against which men must struggle. (I'm talking about men because it's what I know.) Strip clubs, porno movies, regular movies with explicit sex scenes, billboards, television -- hell, just looking at women on the street, displaying their bodies in ways that leave ever less to the imagination. It's all commonplace -- the culture aims for the crotch. This particular serpent has been around for a long time, but now it basks in the sun instead of skulking in the shadows.

It gets in the blood. There is something in my soul that associates sexual purity with stulted priggishness, instead of a manly struggle against the world, the flesh, and the devil. Every now and then, usually after I've been making a conscious effort not to notice scantily-clad women on TV, on the street, in church, I hear a little voice saying, "It's not that big a deal. By straining to avoid it, you make it a greater temptation than it really is."

This voice echoes in the silence that emanates from the pulpit on this matter. I don't think I've ever heard a sermon addressing lust head on, though it is a common and deadly sin. Not just adultery and premarital sex, though they are important and rarely mentioned, but the interior motion of the will: an illicit desire, contrary to the love of God and neighbor. The adultery in the heart that Christ warned against. The silence makes evangelization more difficult as well. If the priest says nothing, what business do I have telling a man that he is sinning?

And sometimes, when the priest does speak, he uses the culture's voice. Once, while confessing at a parish in San Diego, I was told by the priest that viewing a certain amount of pornography was normal and natural. If it got to be excessive, well, then I should seek counseling. If by "normal and natural," he meant that most guys do it, and that our nature (fallen) tends toward it, fine. But I think he meant that since most guys do it, it wasn't that big a deal. Since when can a man sin in moderation?

I wrote the guy a letter. I quoted the Catechism, which explicitly condemns pornography as a grave offense, since it removes sex from its proper context. I wrote about how lust drives a wedge between spouses, including lust after a stranger in a photograph. Turning your sexual appetite away from its proper object-- your wife-- is a form of infidelity. I shared my own struggles, the prayers I say when tempted, the pardon and strength that come from confession. He never responded, and I haven't asked him about it. I still feel foolish; I still stumble in my attempt to witness.

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