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Contents © 2002
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.

JUNE 2002 CONFESSIONS

A LITTLE VOCATIONS TALK

I used to want to be a priest. There was some adolescent absolutism about it -- the only thing to do is the best thing, the priesthood is the best thing, QED. There was also some hero-worship and romanticism -- Chesterton's little book on St. Francis, read before I made my one journey to Rome and Assisi, charmed me utterly with its depiction of a love of creation born from a wholehearted love of the creator. There was a desire to give better sermons than I was used to hearing. And I hope there was some genuine piety in the mix. But I think that mainly, there was a desire to step out of the mainstream, both because this was my temperament (particularly in adolescence) and because the mainstream had become choked with degenerate sexuality.

Please don't misunderstand; I do not pretend to have been a champion of purity. But thanks in part to my parents and a brother who had weathered the hormonal storms before me, I did manage to avoid many youthful indiscretions. And I had knowledge -- besides the sinfulness of fornication, I saw premarital sex for the wrongful use of another person. Perhaps because I lacked a predatory air, I ended up being friends with a number of girls, and I got to see the effects of post-coital breakups up close. I played sports and got to hear the rut-talk of guys amongst themselves. I swallowed a lot of dirty water, and by the end of high school, I was ready to inhabit some purer medium.

So when I told people I was planning on becoming a priest, it was partly out of mischief -- not a doctor, lawyer or engineer, folks, but a priest -- and partly out of distaste for the marital act. My brother used to tease me that when married couples came to me for counsel, I would ask, "Are you still having sex?" "Yes, Father." "Well, then, there's your problem."

I went to college -- a Catholic college blissfully free of a lot of the sexual hijinks I had come to loathe -- and expressed my intention to the chaplain. He told me to wait until the end of junior year, and if I was still interested, to come and see him again. A Legionary of Christ got to me some time before that and gave me a talk about "giving God the first shot" -- entering the seminary to test my vocation before contemplating marriage. He told me a story about leaving a girl behind when he had entered. It broke his heart, he told me, but he had to give God the first shot. Now, here he was.

I didn't know how to answer him, but by that point, I was in love. College had provided me an opportunity to meet girls who shared my beliefs, girls who were decent without being prudish. I fell in love a lot, and while I endured some emotional turmoil, I never had to deal with sexual damage. I prayed about the Legionary's advice, but not too hard. By the end of junior year, I had met the woman who would become my wife.

Now I have sons, and I would love to see one or more of them on the altar one day. Getting them there will not be easy. A couple of weeks ago, the diocesan vocations director gave a sermon at my parish. His talk was squishy, walk-with-Jesus stuff, (something everyone is called to do). I could have stood something stronger, especially given the current atmosphere. Who would want to be a priest today, unless he understood that sacrifice was essential to the calling, and that the world's hatred was par for the course? I could have stood some of the old Church Militant talk -- we need soldiers for Christ, men who will lay down their lives so that others may live in the grace of Christ. The job of the Church is to lead souls to heaven. The sacraments are the food for that journey, and we need priests for the sacraments.

I don't think we're going to see an end to the rule of celibacy. I do think this is a moment of crisis for the priesthood. It will be interesting to watch as the gray heads die off. The families of those that oppose celibacy and obedience in general will probably not produce many priests to replace them. Those who support and revere the priesthood as it exists, who can encourage their sons to consider a life without marital bliss, will probably produce more. Hope springs eternal.

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