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Contents © 2004
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.

CONFESSIONS
March 2004

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WHY AM I CATHOLIC?

I say grace before meals. I say grace at home and at restaurants, when I am with intimates and when I am with strangers. Before I say grace, I make the sign of the cross; I do it again after I finish. During grace, I place my hands together and bow my head. Even if the bow is oh-so-slight and my hands touch only at the fingertips (I might simply be contemplating my menu), the signs of the cross give it away. Usually, it passes without comment, which is fine. I'm not doing it for show, just as I'm not supposed to be bowing during the Incarnatus est of the Creed for show. It's a sign of reverence, not a proclamation of piety. Though if there is an element of publicity in either, it's better that it be at mealtime than at Mass -- "I'm not ashamed to honor my God" as opposed to "Look at me, following the rubric and honoring God."

Sometimes, I get, "Are you a Catholic?" I answer yes, and that is that. Yesterday, it was, "Were you raised a Catholic? I was raised a Catholic as well." The man whom I had just met was older, around 60. I took "raised a Catholic" to mean that he was, to use my brother's term, a lapso. ("Lapsed" to me is better than "ex," as it indicates a kind of falling away instead of a simple departure. It hints at the way Catholicism tends to haunt the soul even after it has been repudiated.) Over the course of our conversation, it came out that he was divorced and remarried. "That'll do it," was my automatic thought, no doubt inspired by the story of my sister-in-law's mother, now divorced and remarried and at odds with the Church. The man didn't seem embittered, however, and spoke of God's blessings in his life with genuine gratitude.

What stayed with me was the "were" in "Were you raised Catholic?" Did he assume that I, like all right-thinking modern people, had graduated from the faith as I matured in intellect and sophistication? Did he suspect that my saying grace was like his talking about God's blessings -- a pious notion that I had taken with me on my way out the door?

His question started me back on one I have been asking myself of late -- Why am I a Catholic? The historian Garry Wills wrote a book on that subject after his book Papal Sin caused people to wonder why someone so critical of the Church would remain inside. Wills responded by recounting his happy Catholic youth and formation, investigating Church history as it pertained to papal primacy, and reaffirming his faith as expressed by the Apostle's Creed. He still attends Mass, still says the rosary. But he doesn't buy into a number of Church policies, and feels obliged by his conscience to object.

I don't feel that obligation, even when something troubles me. Christopher Hitchens' essay criticizing the rapid beatification of Mother Teresa struck me as well-argued, even if I don't share Hitchens' ill opinion of her. But I don't poke at the sore spot. And when the thought comes: "What if it's all just nonsense, and death is the end?" my interior response sounds like desperate clutching at a security blanket: "It can't be nonsense. It has to be true. It has to."

Why am I a Catholic? My parents told me the faith was true, and I believed them. When I expressed doubts, they addressed them, from my first boyhood experience of the claim that the gospels were just made up by four guys a long time ago, to my teen-angst doubts about Jesus. I saw Catholicism's effect in their own lives. But all that doesn't always last. I don't think I'm so immature that "Mom and Dad said so" is the real basis for faith. I feel the faith in my bones; sometimes, I think I couldn't lose it if I tried.

Maybe that's why I have so much trouble witnessing. Maybe my faith, for all my belief in the institution of the Church and all my fondness for theological musing, is too personal, too much my thing. Unlike Wills, my thoughts go to the Eucharist, not the Creed -- my personal communion with God. A real witness needs to see the Faith as something he can pass on to another. For now, I am happy to have grace before meals.

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