2004 CONFESSIONS
December
November
October
September
July/August
June
May
April
March
February
January

Little Notes
Letters

Talk About Movies
Roamin' Catholic
Follow Me




Contents © 2004
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.

CONFESSIONS
October 2004

---

I'VE BEEN SCANDALIZED

I once confessed sexual impurity to a priest. He suggested that if my troubles persisted, I might think about attending a support group. "It's mostly for homosexuals," he said in an offhand sort of tone, "but you might benefit from it."

I looked over the pamphlet. It didn't advocate chastity, but rather, setting limits. Not hooking up with anonymous strangers. Not masturbating in the tub. That sort of thing. It was not for Catholics concerned about sin; it was for homosexuals who found their sex life getting out of control.

I didn't attend the support group. Much later, I did find myself thinking back to Father Confessor's bare forearms -- so trim, so muscular, the muscles straining at the skin. Why was he so fit? Why was he so well-groomed?

Yes, those questions suggest that I was surrendering to a stereotype in associating muscular fitness, immaculate hair, and gorgeous skin tone with homosexuality. But behind those questions was this one: why was he suggesting that I -- a married heterosexual who had just confessed to heterosexual lust -- attend a support group for practicing homosexuals? Was my (self-chosen) boundary -- chaste love within a sacramental marriage, to the exclusion of all others, even in the will -- meant to be presented as merely one among many?

When did I start thinking about Father's forearms? When the scandal started breaking. When did I start thinking about the way the late Monsignor Kraft addressed the laity as his "sweet little children" before homilies? After the Union-Tribune ran its story about the accusations brought against the Monsignor, and his subsequent deathbed payout. I admired -- even loved -- the Monsignor. I loved his thoughtful homilies, the way he said the Anima Christi after Communion. But I have been soured. I have been scandalized.

I know I have been scandalized because now, whenever I hear accusations of priestly wrongdoing and episcopal cover-ups, I am inclined to believe them. Oh, let's be honest -- I'm not just inclined. I do believe them. I know I have been scandalized because when a priest takes the occasion of Christ the King to run down the notion of Christ the King -- he's our loving Brother, folks, not our stern Master; he reaches out to embrace instead of pointing to command -- I wonder why he feels the need to soft-pedal things. Then, when I notice that same priest has a mouth full of braces, I think of William H. Macy's tortured homosexual character in Magnolia, who gets braces because the gay bartender he adores has braces. Braces on a priest? Concern for the attractiveness of his smile? Gay priest. I can dismiss the assumption, but I can't deny it happened. I have been scandalized.

More evidence: I do not expect parish priests or diocesan bishops to be spiritual fathers, spiritual shepherds, leading me to grow in the faith, guiding me toward heaven. Outside of the Eucharist, I do not expect Masses to be beautiful or salubrious, let alone transcendent. This is a different sort of scandal; a creeping, miserable scandal. I can live with it, but isn't it a shame? Isn't it a shame that I don't expect modern churches to be interesting, much less beautiful?

And when official explanations fail to convince, the scandalized mind becomes vulnerable to other, more sinister explanations -- or it simply shuts down. "They've made a Franciscan out of me," said my friend Michael recently. "Franciscan" was easier than "Psuedo-Dionysian," or "Cloud of Unknowing-type mystic," I suppose. Anyway, I took his meaning. Michael -- thinker, Thomist, lover of reasoned argument -- was ready to stop asking "why?" and stick to love and fidelity. Michael lives in Orange County, and had just heard that Bishop Tod Brown had decided to retire the diocese's indult Tridentine Mass upon the retirement of the indult's owner, Father Daniel Johnson. The indult could have gone to another, and the Mass had a large, and faithful following, some of whom drove an hour and more to attend. But apparently, Brown wasn't interested.

Michael is not an adherent to the Tridentine Rite; the Novus Ordo is the Mass he was formed in, and he is quite content there. But, as he likes to say, he is "a liberal Catholic." As such, he thinks that, as far as possible, people should be able to worship the way they want. The Tridentine is an approved rite. "These people are not the problem," Michael complained to me. "Why take away the Mass they love?"

Why indeed. The scandalized mind wonders about a secret animosity toward "orthodox" Catholics, a gross assumption that only old folks care about the Tridentine, and that they'll all be dead soon enough. The shut down mind can offer only: Love and fidelity. Soldier on. Try not to get cynical.

TOP