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Contents © 2006
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.

CONFESSIONS
February 2006

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PULL THE PLUG ON GRANDMA

"Five kids is great," wrote my friend Michael. "When people see you with four, they figure, 'anyone can make a mistake.' But with five, they know: 'They're doing it on purpose.'"

Yes, we are. Number Five -- the Romans were on to something with that whole Sixtus, Septimus thing -- was born on December 30. On January 2, my mother-in-law flew out to California, as she always does, to help during my wife's recovery.

Actually, the visit was something of a break for Mom (my wife's mother). Her own mother-in-law is now living with her, and there is no shortage of familial tension. Over and above differences surrounding food preparation, house temperature, and the like, there is the fact that Grandma is a staunch Catholic and Mom is a pagan. It's not that they argue, but it does make for some tension. "I can't be your grandmother's guardian," Mom told my wife. "I don't want to go against her wishes, and I couldn't keep her alive on machines."

It's not that Mom's cruel or unloving. As I have said before, she's an ethical, loving, kindhearted person. It's that she doesn't see the point in living that way, and she can't really support Grandma's desire to live that way, either. She has told Grandma this; the news made Grandma nervous.

While Mom was here, we joked together about how she's spending our inheritance: going on cruises, attending music festivals, generally getting some enjoyment out of her retirement. We joked together about how the Boomers are going to suck Social Security dry -- there are so many of them, you see, and it seems a safe bet that they're not going to want to go gently into that good night. The Boomers are going to want to live as long and as comfortably as possible.

"But you see, Mom, that's why our generation is going to euthanize yours. When you get too expensive, we're just going to put you down."

She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. I wasn't, not entirely. Why exactly would we hold back? Because it's taboo? The Boomers have taught us that taboos are for breaking. Because of the sanctity of life? During this visit's abortion discussion -- one of the best, most civil, and thoughtful in memory -- Mom kept going back to the notion of wanted versus unwanted fetuses. "Every child a wanted child" is not too, too many steps away from "every senior a wanted senior." A teenage girl can get an abortion because she doesn't want to give up nine months of her life, doesn't want to endure the suffering brought by carrying and then delivering and then possibly giving up a baby, doesn't want to see her baby born into suffering. I've watched my own mother give up a lot more than nine months -- I've watched her give up years -- to devote herself to the care of her dying parents and in-laws. I've seen her suffer as she did so, and I've seen my grandparents suffer. Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, right? How long until...?

What's that? Because they're family, and you take care of your own? Sorry, we're the generation that grew up in homes where Mom and Dad split up -- "family" has become an elastic term, and if we don't care to include our infirm and miserable parents, whoto say otherwise? Family, we are told, is more a loving circle than a formal structure -- so if Mom and Dad are outside the loving circle, why spend the love and resources on them?

This all sounds overheated, even hysterical, I know. And yet, being kindhearted, Mom watched the kids so that my wife and I could go see a movie -- The Squid and the Whale. One of our generation making a movie about a Boomer divorce, with special attention paid to its effects on the kids. It's been a long time since I've even thought to use the word "heartbreaking." But when you watch the older son struggle to hate his mother for what she did to Dad; when you hear the misery in the younger son's voice when he is forced to see that he looks like his father; when you watch Older Son attempt to be the stud his father never was (but wishes he'd been), while Younger Son fetishizes his newly-sexualized mom -- it's just that: heartbreaking. Divorce is common now, and when a thing is common, it loses significance. But that very particular story gave some significance back, and it got me wondering how our generation -- without Christ, without united parents -- is ever going to believe in the notion of enduring love enough to put up with the Boomers when they get old and start hanging on.

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